18 months – stockpiling

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and she is 18 months. This little one walked into my life on 2nd March 2017 and literally changed my world. I cannot even begin to tell the ups and downs I went through  last year and a half. Well, it did teach me a lot and I am still learning.

Anyhow, now that I can breathe, laugh at the past and gain some perspective on the last one and half year – not all is lost! But a significant LOT has been gained.

I am trying to get up early these days and it is making me feel good. I generally prep lunch for Myra in the morning and I am in found in the kitchen doing one thing or the other. This little one almost every single day gets up checks on me and then straight from her bed dawdles up to the kitchen rubbing her barely open eyes and comes straight to find me and hugs me!  My heart melts every single time ❤

Life is Good!

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a not so great day

Was I ever happy before, she thought. Do I have a proof of being happy? I guess the thousands of smiling photos speaking to the fact were not enough.

Sometimes the mind tricks you, doesn’t it? Makes you believe things that are not true and sends you on a trip.

May be she replaced fun with happiness, who doesn’t these days? Isn’t it a common mistake to seek what is easy? Fun is the easy part, being happy is not! Because happiness cannot be sought outside, it can be felt internally.

There are small little things that can make you happy.

  1. Making bed first thing in the morning
  2. Kids playing in backyard
  3. Making chai and it turning good
  4. A clean house , okay thats big 😉 – A clean kitchen
  5. Being able to talk to the husband about stupid things.
  6. Working out

I have thought hard about this, what makes me happy at the end of the day? Actually doing things that are important to me makes me happy. The problem some days those things change, because I prioritize the wrong things.

Small changes they say – let me start small. Let me gather the broken pieces of the self I want to build and fight the battles which are so hard to win. When one gets complacent and used to of being mediocre, of just getting by and not achieving the best the charm in “Being” is lost.

It is not as bad as it sounds, but I feel I have been stuck. I have been stuck in always choosing what is easy. Is it easy to sleep in? Just do that! Is it easy to being late for a meeting – just be late. Is it easier to dial in instead of making in time, do that. Is it easy to eat crap during weekends – getting the drift?

The wish to be at the top of the game is there but the valor is missing, actions are missing – whatever game that could be

  1. Eating healthy
  2. Being on time
  3. Being able to plan things better

Somedays motivation creeps in, lingers and leaves tip toed as it walked in. I cannot keep up the motivation as the needed change to keep it around falls short.  What can keep it around you ask? – Consistency, discipline and dedication – that is the ONLY way to a better self. Yes, it is not easy, training the mind to not pick up the easy parts. It is Hard.  Nothing but hard work is needed.

Rome was not build in a day, but it was build slowly and steadily. Let us start with small things – let us just, because if not, the regret at the end of it will be bigger.

 

reminder

It is a slippery slope..
wake up wake up lady.. don’t be lazy..
this is how it starts
One step at a . time, one day at a time..
Get back on track and run and sweat and be happy..
don’t fall in the pit again..
It is a slippery slope
wake up wake up lady.. Wake up!

Testing Consistency Challenge #1

I missed a day of post. I could have written yesterday night but I did not. I was too tired. I spent the entire day chasing kids and managing errands around the house.

A few things were on my mind hence I was not completely myself yesterday. I will write about it soon.

For now just taking a quick stock

  1. Write Post everyday – 90% – Missed one day.
  2. Get Up at 6.15 AM – 80% – but this was a success, because I was awake at 6.15 AM mostly… Out of the bed by 6.30 almost on all days and just one day I was in bed until 7 AM, I will call this a win 😛
  3. Start your day with Lemon and War water – 90% – Missed today.
  4. Clean, wash and cream your face – 100% 😀

This was fun. Now onto my next challenge

  1. Gym everyday for Next two weeks. Rain or Shine.
  2. Continue Lemon Water
  3. Face cleaning routine.

It feels good to be back to writing, It has a positive effect on me. I think I am going to try and be regular at it. Need a place to rant, vent and just write oodles of crap 😀

Love, Peace, Joy!

Project Joy

A few months ago Sweets started a project. Project Joy! Where we started sharing a joyful memory everyweek via email.

I have not shared a memory in last few weeks, so writing it here and will email the same 😝

Two days ago my younger daughter R learned how to climb down from the mattress. She figured it out that if she turns in the right direction and slide her legs down, she can climb down and reach anywhere she wants! This 11 month old is too smart for her age.

However, my elder daughter M was with her when R did this and she was exhilirated. M was sooo excited and happy that R could climb down by herself and that she is growing up! She ran to daddy and told him.

When M was small me and the husband would celebrate her every milestone. Now  we three celebrate R’s. Our little family growing old together 🙂

My joyful moment of  Jan 2018 ❤️

Being genuine and other shit

Itsn’t it an amazing feeling to be you! No pretense just being your own self. To be able to say the things that you feel out loud and not being judged for them.

I was very naive and used to be open about my feelings to everyone, I used to welcome people with a open heart and listen to every word that people say and believe it. I would take their word for it and trust them. Slowly, I have learnt not everyone is like me, not everyone always tells the truth or tell you everything. It is okay to be to not able to express yourself in front of everyone 100% of times.

You pick and choose, you choose people who are worth your time and words. I am happy that I still have a handful of these people in my life to whom I can show my darker side, who are genuinely happy in my happiness and who appreciate me for what I am.

I have spent a lot a lot of time in trying to please everyone, so that they like me, I never realized it until recently that I need that, I choose to that, and I adopt immediately and try to please everyone. It is a a lot of burden on self, to act such that everyone likes you. To Act so that you are not at fault, to be able to blend into people.

I have slowly started questioning the need to blend, why not stand out? Why do you need to let go of what you are? You are what you are and you can change that, not for anyone else but for you. Not to please anyone, but to make yourself a better version of what you want to be.

Just be you, because no one in this world is exactly like you. You are unique and accept that, feel that, enjoy that rather than pretending to be like someone.

I am the happiest when I get to be me, when I do not have to try hard to make conversations, when conversations happen and I am genuine. Not fake. Because being fake adds a lot of pressure of maintaining it, being genuine is easy, because it is what you are.

To more of these, my times, my talks, my type of people. You make my life beautiful. You know who you are ❤

Unlearning Ways

You are inadvertently becoming like your parents. It is not a choice, it is just the way of nature. Slowly and steadily you are turning into one of them, your ways, your thinking, your approach towards things, towards situations, towards day to day mundane life is guarded and stamped by the way your parents did them.

It is not something that parents teach their kids, how to be like them – it is what kids pick up. It is what they see day in and day out, it is what kids learn – life as they are seeing it. Ways of life as they are watching their parents.

My mom never had time to do much outside work and house work – self neglect was unavoidable. She did not have time to cook elaborate dinners or lunches – we always had bare minimum food at home. I did not like that. I still remember those afternoon’s when it used to be Pappa and me having lunch – roti and one sabji. He would make peanut chutney to go with it, sometimes he would get fruits that we would eat in the afternoon. Food in general was not a big affair in our house and my mom was not big on entertaining people either.

I love the idea of a well set table with a small spread of dishes served well, aesthetically. However it never comes to me naturally. I see people doing these things so effortlessly, they would just make a dip but serve it so well that it will please any ones eye. I somehow cannot do it, all I know or have seen is how to make roti sabji and I am an expert at that, any thing else seems effort to me. The reason could be because I have never seen it.

Just the other day me and the husband was window shopping at Sur La Table and I told him, when will I be able to set a table nicely and actually present my food well – he said its not within me and will take huge effort to change that.

I honestly want to change this, one for me and two for my daughters. If I start small – may be they will appreciate these things in life. It is not about how to cook, it is about enjoying the effort, it is about eating healthy and it is about knowing and learning to enjoy fine things in life. These habits can be nurtured and cultivated if you have seen them and grown up with them.

I cannot become a stellar cook or a mom who can bake cookies in her dream in a day, but try I can and try I want to. As I said it will take effort and a lot of learning rather unlearning and determination, it is like going against my nature, but a small change that I will start will breed tomorrows future, through someone else’s eye.

One lunch at a time, one dinner at a time, One day at a time, . Change is coming!

Getting up early

Managing time is an art one needs to master early on. The early you learn to manage your time the better it is for you.

Slowly it is dawning on me that getting up early is important. You can get a lot of things done once you start getting up early. However, it is not easy because as far as I can remember now I have always been struggling to get up early and getting to work early. I am always late. ALWAYS.

You can see my older posts and see me ranting about not getting up early. It is not that I do not try, try I do, I just cannot keep at it.

There is something so lucrative about the night that I end up sleeping late and then there are always soo many excuses of not getting up early. One of the daughter would have gotten up in the night and hence I would have been awake or restless or not slept better due to dreams. Well, there is always a reason.

Just today morning me and the husband argued over how he needs to help me get out of the bed and I told him he needs to help me and he thinks I should do it by myself as I am an adult and responsible enough. He has a point, but help is what I need.

The other part of managing time well is not wasting time on useless stuff – I am a master of wasting time. Give me a free half an hour and it evaporates. I spend that either chatting on watsapp or browsing internet. I could totally use that time to get work done, write emails or even go for a walk or write a post 😉

I have decided that this year I am not going to beat up myself – rather I am going to give myself chance to improve, like really improve on these little things

Because these little things is what makes a better person, a better tomorrow.

There’s still hope!

Area Rug

We moved into our new house July 2016 and were broke! Also, I was pregnant then hence had no energy or enthusiasm to set up the new place. I ignored every aspect of setting the house, anyway!

Since it was the question of $$ the husband was completely against me buying anything, like anything for the house. Come this July it will be 2 years that we would have bought the house and we still have not set it up. The frames are still empty, walls are barren and rooms are begging for some color and definition! It would take me a good 10 years to get it close to done at the speed I am going with.

After visiting India and looking at all the colorful well done houses I decided, enough is enough I need to make my house a home. Need to add color and much needed changes and get some freshness in overall decor.

Soooo, I have been contemplating buying a area rug. After much much deliberation and research and thinking and overthinking and after wasting tons of hours on the internet and scrolling through a million rugs and after looking at a zillion colors and combination and weave patterns and after spending energy and giving it my sweat and blood, I finally ordered an area rug on December 31st 2017 and spent some 800$ on it.

Well, point of the post? The Rug is still not here after a month.

As you might have guessed, it was the last piece (of-course – considering I made the decision to buy. It is not anyone’s mistake that all the pieces were gone. Just a quick look at my watsapp history I have been looking at the said piece of rug for 5 months – talk about procrastinating and not making decisions in time).

The online store people called me on the day of the delivery saying the last piece of rug was damaged and if I want to order a replacement or get a discount after seeing the rug. Well knowing me, I run in the opposite direction when anyone mentions returns, so I promptly asked them to order a replacement as I did not want to deal with returns and other nonsense that comes with it.

After two days they called me back saying – the rug is out of stock and cannot be replaced – so the only option I have is to cancel the order or see the damaged piece and if I am okay with it , take 50% discount for the rug.

I jumped at the opportunity of a discount and said fine, let us take a look at how damaged it is and go from there. The rug was supposed to be delivered on Saturday, I arranged for weekend delivery so that I am home and see it before I send the delivery guys away.

BUT – It seems  the online store people are brain fried as they called me again saying the delivery guys actually ended up disposing the rug, as it was damaged and cannot be delivered. Are you f-ing kidding me?

I yelled –  I know the rug was damaged and I was still going to pay 400$ for it and I have been waiting for over a month already.

Anyway I did not get the rug, the rug was disposed, I cannot order a new one as it is discontinued. I have now wasted another 3 hours behind the rug and raided the internet to find a similar looking, feeling one – in vain.

I went to the same website again and they are not going to have it in the size I want but a little smaller one, which will be available ONLY in March.

So much for getting things done. Just not liking it.

Stop laughing, I might hit you in your face if I catch you doing so. Annoyed!!!!

Testing consistency

I am going to test and challenge myself – the challenge is small Being Consistent for a week. Monday to Monday.

I have realized  ( If I earned  a dollar every time I use that phrase I would be a millionaire by now) – anyhow I have realized, my mind needs some taming, it keeps on fluttering every single second making it so fucking hard for me to concentrate on anything. It makes me dwell on the negatives rather than focusing on the positives and makes my otherwise okay life even dull. So, step by step and hour by hour I am going to re-train this over smart mind to be quiet and try to look at brighter side…

First things first – let us get back at being consistent – or let us get started even.

  1. Wake up at 6.15 AM, no later than that. It is okay if you sit on the Sofa until 7, but for the next 7 days – get up at 6.15 AM like today.
  2. Write a post daily until Monday – could be anything – more than two sentences, but write everyday.
  3. Start your day with warm water and lemon.
  4. Wash, clean and cream your face before sleep.

 

Next check Monday 2/5.