Profound Sadness

is what I feel when I get up these days. My days are dull and I have zero energy. Being sick has just added fuel to the melancholy.

I think these are the pregnancy harmones playing their trick and making me feel so vulnerable.

I literally do not want to do anything. Just sit like a lump.

Hating it!

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Grammar Police

You know you are attracted to him. He is the charming boy on the block. Cute smile, a small dimple. Sparkly eyes, a  little attitude that makes him just so adorable.

You see him and have a little crush. You get that warm fuzzy feeling when you see him and you blush involuntarily.

You are happy in your own world and ready to make him the crush of your life until you eavesdrop on him saying “I swear, I did not did it”.

You lost me there. Like right there.

and then suddenly you value the man in your life again. Not all that dreamy, but grammatically perfect you see ūüėČ

Where my mind is ready to go on a vacation

Well, if you can’t go on a vacation just plan for a dozen and feel equally good and rejuvenated. You don’t believe me? Making the following list made me realize how I miss traveling and how fast days are going by! Between the crazy days, managing house and work and a child my bucket list needs some attention & some serious planning. I will also appreciate some funding, if you are ready to help.

Here are the places that I fancy to visit, in no particular order.

  1. Leh Ladhak – I want to do a road trip in an open jeep, admire the crystal blue waters and open my hands, stand there and ” Just Breathe”. Feel alive!
  2. Bali – Eat Pray Love had me at the beautiful description, I want to go to Bali to feel that peace within.
  3. Paris – Well, who does not want to go to Paris?
  4. Zurich – Well, what do you expect I was a DDLJ fan. Please note the “Was.
  5. Italy – My dream is to walk on the small streets with no agenda, just soaking in the beauty, enjoying wine and food. Living an Italian dream – albeit for a few days, may be weeks, who knows even months.
  6. London – No particular reason, just one of the places I really want to go see.
  7. Alaska – Check out the hype about Northern lights! Visit Denali National Park and get lost in the woods away from the crazy world and listen to Eddie Wedder singing “Society you are a crazy breed”.
  8. Prague – Be at Charles bridge at the break of the dawn, see the sun coming up and admire the beautiful lovely City that Prague is, basking in that warm gold glory.
  9. Kerela – Food! I want to go stay in a house boat and have some authentic South Indian food, some fresh banana chips and enjoy that filter kaapi while floating over water amidst the lush green forest.
  10. Darjeeling – I want to go to Darjeeling in winter, get up and see nothing but fog. Walk in the Chai plantations, wander about in the British town of my dreams and feel a little fuzzy and mushy in the town of my dreams.
  11. NYC in Fall and December – Want to see the excitement and get the Christmas feel. I want to walk the decorated streets of NYC and enjoy the beauty of the Christmas lights. Sip on the Pumpkin Spiced Latte, wearing some kick-ass winter wear and feeling fabulous.
  12. Bora Bora – This is before the second baby turns two. Lay on the beach, soak in the sun and get drowned in the mesmerizing Pacific blueness. Watch the sunset at the beach and be there until the night falls until the stars comes out. Listen to the waves and marvel at how beautiful this world is with two pieces of my Heart and holding His hand. Always and Forever¬† ‚̧

 

She is the sky, she is sky full of stars….

and then “She” arrived…

cont’d ..then everything else is a haze. It just happened too fast for me to catch up and the she was out!! I wish that was true ¬†ūüėõ

OKAY, let us try that again, shall we?

then, the 9 CM never became 10 CM. It was 2 hours already in excruciating pain. The doctor checked me and the baby again. She had turned. The doctor said that since the baby has turned and the delivery was not progressing as it should, we might have to remove the baby surgically.

That broke me. I cried a lot, I cried to my mom saying ma I went through a lot, now I cannot! I did not want to go through a surgery after enduring for so long. Epidural had worn out and I was feeling every damn thing. The doctor had an idea, she gave me a peanut shape pillow and ask me to lay in a certain position. This was not easy, considering there were at-least a 100 wires attached to me, Heart-rate monitor, baby monitor, BP monitor, cathedral and a few more! I managed.

I asked The Husband to play the song Just Breathe!

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they’ve got none

Stay with me…
Let’s just breathe…

I felt at peace. I asked the nurse to increase pitocin, so that the dilation happens. That would mean more contractions more pain. I was all for it. I was holding on to HIS hand tightly.

A few minutes later, I was dilated completely, the baby had turned and we my dear were ready to PUSH!

I had the best nurses. They were such cheer leaders. Both the nurses were referring me and the husband as mommy and daddy already. One of them even went and got the cutest little hat for the baby.

My doctor and the nurses kept on encouraging me. The Husband and my mom were worried, but they were the biggest support factors for the next biggest adventure.

I pushed, I pushed for somewhere around 2 hours 36 minutes. We were a team, The Husband, my mom and ME.

On 18th Feb 6.36 PM my little angel was born and our lives changed forever. I could not, and still cannot believe that something so beautiful and pristine can be borne out of love.

They say time flies, let no one fool you, flies it does. I might have barely blinked an eye and suddenly, just like that she is Two; but my heart is still warm with the baby smell and tiny feet that entered my world and changed this stupid girl to being a mom.

It is a beautiful feeling!

Push time , is it yet?

cont from¬†The Birth Story ‚Äď Part 1¬†,¬†The Birth Story ‚Äď Part 2

I was happy, I was happy that they called me. I wasted no time and we hurried to the hospital. I remember not even waiting for the husband to park the car, I got down at the door and checked myself in! I wanted the baby out.

It was 5.10 PM of the 17th Feb-2014 and we got into the delivery room. The nurses took my vitals and broke the news, it would be a long wait! Well I should have just guessed that, but you know when your stupid mind tries to reject all obvious signs and believes, your wishes¬†to come true. I should¬†have known, it will not be an easy journey hence forward. I should have trusted my mom’s ¬†worried face.

So the nurses gave me some medicine and said nothing is going to happen tonight, we sent my parents home after having some dinner. After my mom went home all the hell broke loose and I started getting cramps ~ 8.30 PM. and those hurt!

The feeling of pain was drowning me. I was not able to speak. I remember walking- walking a lot. I remember asking the husband to massage my lower back. I remember sitting on a ball. I remember breathing. I remember crying. It was 2 AM and I asked for a norco, it made me a little drowsy. I was still in pain. I could not lie down. The husband was fast asleep. Those two hours were terrible. Contractions. Pain. Crying. Attending nature calls in THAT pain. The nurse came back, she was a very sweet lady. She told me to breathe it out and do some stretches. I swear to God I tried to be brave. The Husband woke up and we walked for a while. It was 6 AM. I requested the nurse to get me an epidural. That was it! I could not have waited a second longer.

Epidural is well a mixed bag. So you are supposed to stay still even if you have a contraction¬†while¬†the doctor inserts a needle in your spine !! If you move you screw up your back and if you don’t take the epidural – well, that was not the choice. So yours truly, truly froze ūüôā . I waited for the epidural to work its magic and it was indeed magic. The Pain was gone. I could not feel anything. However my body was still going through the contractions, just the fact that my brain was not identifying it as pain anymore. I remember saying to the Husband “We should be giving a Nobel PEACE prize to who ever invented Epidural.”

The nurses asked me to relax and try to get some sleep. I could not sleep , but I was trying to relax. Knowing me that is completely impossible – to relax that is. I do not relax during normal times, this was well, far from being normal. I breathed,¬†suddenly the yogic in me was awakened and all I could think of was to breathe :P.¬†Finally my parents arrived¬†and¬†the husband took off THAT¬†very second. Can’t blame him though. Then, as if all the stars aligned and God decided to ease me from the misery, the doctor announced – the three words that I was waiting for – There¬†9 CM.

It was 12 PM February 18th 2014. The doctor said the push time is almost here and to be ready for the 10 CM. FINALLY.

then……………

 

Drunken Wednesdays!!

With age grows your cynicism. I miss simpler times when you would not categorize people and feel that they are a part of your own!!

I miss the times when I would say somethings and people wont judge me – just accept me or ignore.

I miss the time of caring less!!!

 

 

a happy good bi!

Today January 25th 2016 – I will never forget!

You standing there not even 2 feet tall, wearing blue jeans and the new polka dots top that I got over thanksgiving, with a little winter cap and those shoes with hearts on them. You picked the shoes you wanted to wear today!

I dropped you at the day care and started walking out of the door. I looked back after walking a few steps, as I always do. You were still standing there all by yourself looking at me and waving!!!

When I looked into your eyes and you saw mine, I could see you gulping the tears down your throat. I saw the small lump move. But you my brave little girl, did not cry. You finally manged to fight those tears and waved back.

My fickle heart is not ready yet, it is not ready for you to grow up, love! Until today you always cried at the drop off and today it was me.

Between if and only

When the busy day ended and she lay wide awake, she still thought about him. She tried hard to hide the unwarranted smile. The tingly feeling did not leave her. She tossed and turned. She erased the million possibilities of being with him. In her head, she was still there, around him. Smelling the musky perfume, drowned in his chocolate brown eyes. Holding hands and walking down the quiet starry night.¬†Tears started rolling down her cheeks,¬†she closed her eyes¬†. Suddenly she¬†felt all¬†alone and cold. All she could think of was … ¬† Only if¬†.. that day!!

 

Stockpiling- at 16 months!!

This phase right now is beautiful. My baby is small enough to still fit in my lap, sleep in my arms. She cries every time I leave her and sometime I feel a little relieved to let her be!

Even now I don’t believe that I am a mom , a mom to a beautiful 16 months old girl. Has it really been 16 months or was I dreaming,¬†perhaps.

Time has flown by so quickly, I know it would sound cliched but I really do not remember the long nights, I hardly remember my baby being a new born. The memories are washed out, all I have are a few videos and photos to feel those days were a reality at some point of time.

I have decided today to feel every day, to feel every hour and every minute of my life. Somehow, I feel that life is just going by without me realizing it. Things are happening and I am a bystander. I need to take things in my control . I need to be present in the present- if that makes sense to anyone.

I am done with sulking, thinking , planning. I read this post Lonely Mom, I could connect to most part of it. I do feel jealous sometimes. I feel lonely. I miss old days. Isn’t it just natural for humans to whine for the days that have gone by? I miss having friends and hanging out. I do.

I miss you saint and sweets! Why couldn’t you be here ? With me , in these days when I need you the most? I really value the friendship that we have. You girls rock my world ūüôā

So, today just for once I have decided to let it go. Feel every minute. Be calm and not plan or think. To living in the moment , or whatever that crap is ūüôā

Miss you my lil mimsha.. mumma will be back home soon ….