So a friend from school called me today. I had left her a scrap on orkut to say hi . What I remember of her from school days is just the name lets say  Taniya and a blurred face of hers. She was a very average student at school and was never into academic success. I mean it was so unlike me. If you knew me in school time and if you know me now there is a huge amount of change. I was a book worm. The only thing that I knew back in school was my school books, homework, my drawing, exams, story books . Getting the drift eh? Yes a total and a complete bookworm , a person who used to cry her lungs out if did not stand first in the class or the entire school for that matter. It was just not the acads part let me tell you. Be it any competition debate, speech, poem recitation, news reading, drama, drawing extempore name anything and I would stand first. No kidding its the truth. ( What I can offer is just the the truth and nothing more 😉 ).

The entire point of this background is , this female Taniya who called me brought back those days to me. I just compared the two things. The way she is now and the way I am. She was so shocked to hear that I am married . Of all people S.Y. the red house prefect , the topper , the sincere person  got married so early.

So I asked myself, did getting married put and end to everything that I wanted to do?? And when I think of it it did not. A person can do anything that he wants to do, only if he wants it that hard. I feel bad for myself when I think that I did not take up higher education. But when I think of  the situation when I graduated higher education was not even a question. I wanted a job , a secured job. I had some responsibilities. Then why do I regret it now? Somehow I always feel that I have not done justice to myself. I have not done justice to myself. It is not because I am at home now. It is because of the way I screwed up my engineering. The way I did not think about the future enough and for not planning things well in advance. For not knowing things. I have just messed up with so many things.

For falling in for a guy who in turn messed up my life more . It ended finally but what it took away from me cannot be mended and I cannot , just cannot forgive myself for making the biggest mistake of my life ( more on that may be later). Plus not taking studies seriously when I had to , not even in pl’s. In all I messed up big time.

Why why did I do that??? Why did not I study when I had to and why did I take it seriously when it was not that necessary. I feel so bad thinking of it.

I know I just cannot rewind what happened. What I have is present. And I can make that better. I can , I have to ..

I cannot always think of past  success stories and be happy that I was what I wanted to be, I cannot take credit for a thing that is long gone. I have to carve a niche for myself again. I have to rise from ashes again. I have to rise , rise like a Phoenix does, and do it before its too late

God help me.

I just hope this big failure becomes the stepping stone for what I want in my life.

When I started this post I was not feeling good about anything , but just the thought of making things right and they can be set right is cheering me up. This has created a new hope. I just hope as always I just don’t loose my interest and end up messing even the slightest hope that I have.

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